Toddler- Another Version of Your Very Drunk Friend

image of drunk girl with cig

The other night, I was performing the ridiculous, adorable-yet-annoying nightly bedtime routine for Jumping Bean, who is about 3.5 years old.  Over the course of 15 minutes, she managed to perform the following (in no particular order):

  • Snuggle on me as if I was leaving the country the next day
  • Scream obscenities at me and tell me she didn’t want me near her
  • Plead and eventually cry for additional books OVER and over
  • Clumsily slam her head into my nose while begging for books
  • Ask me “WHY?” about 368 times. It honestly  might have been more.

The next night, I attempted bedtime after 2 glasses of wine.  The same bedtime antics held much more humor and were slightly enjoyable.  I thought, “Wow.  I apparently just need to drink every night to find this type of behavior acceptable, and even funny!”

I left the room that night and had a wine-induced epiphany:

My toddler behaves the same as that really drunk friend.

You know the one.

The one you adore, but when they get drunk, you start watching every sip they take and wish it wasn’t happening.  You watch them turn from a rational, fun-loving friend into an emotionally unstable sociopath.  Yup. We all have (or have had) that friend,  My adorable toddler is now that friend… about 50% of our time together.

Since my epiphany, I’ve had some fun searching for similar viewpoints. CLEARLY this is a common thought, which made me feel much less terrible about my association.  If you are curious, some great posts include:

I had to take my own spin on it, so here goes.  Please feel free to add some more- compiling this helped me giggle about the ridiculousness, which is just what most of us need these days.  Enjoy!!

(If you are reading this via email, please click here to read the rest!)

With:Both will:Very Drunk Friend:Your Toddler:
Displaying EmotionsChange emotional states in 30 second intervals, which will always include cryingYour friend will start a story about her boyfriend and how awesome he is, and will end the story in a sobbing mess because "he just doesn't really love" her or something ridiculous.She will start a conversation that expresses how much she loves you, but will quickly switch sides to hate or hit you instead. The speed of the switch depends on what you said "no" to.
QuestioningWill ask the same thing… OVER and OVER and OVER"Did I tell you about the total a-hole thing my boyfriend did yesterday??"She will ask you for a popsicle 300 times, even after you tell her yes. Each time you answer will be the first time for her.
Volume of speechStruggle with volume controlMight whisper or yell at you in completely inappropriate locationsWill randomly scream phrases at you out of anger, excitement, or confusion. EX: "POPSICLE!!!!"
Understanding conceptsWill struggle to unravel simple concepts with the use of "Why??"Your friend will ask you repeatedly why she can't drive home or why you are being mean to her."Why are there cars on the road?" (Valid answer) "Why?" (Valid answer) " But WHY" This is usually delivered in a slightly whiney tone.
Physical ActivityEqually and disturbingly clumsyWill fall at a moment's notice and pretend it didn't happenWill slam into a wall, table, or chair, and look at you with a "Woah!"
EatingGet food all over themselvesWill eat something totally disgusting at 2am and be oblivious that half of it is on her shirt. Will be covered in food but extremely mad if you try to help them remove the food from their face or shirt.
Falling AsleepPass out in a crazy position Might be on the floor, in the yard, or face down on a futon.Could be half on/off the bed or on the bathroom floor.
Inanimate objectsInteract with themWill most likely spend a portion of the night talking to a statue/car/building/rock.Plays house, baby, or "Go to Time Out" with her dolls or stuffed animals.
ShoesBe to bothered to wear themTakes of the heels and walks on glass before putting them back onRemoves shoes at every moment and can never find them. EVER.
MisbehavingGet a Time OutYou put your friend in a cab, car, corner, or bathroom stall to contain the mess that has developed.Sits in a chair or corner to wail in pain after breaking rule after rule in the house.
Short Term MemoryHave noneShe'll insist that guy from last week wasn't a total jerk and try to go home with him.Will ask you over and over why there are so many cars on the road. Tomorrow… and the next day…
August 24th, 2014|BE MORE POSITIVE|5 Comments


  1. Becca 08/25/2014 at 3:34 pm - Reply

    You forgot tendency to vomit without forewarning!

    • Admin 08/25/2014 at 7:29 pm - Reply

      Ha ha! So true. I’m lucky that mine isn’t a puker, but I should have added something about peeing spontaneously in public places through their clothes!

  2. L. 08/26/2014 at 2:17 am - Reply

    I can’t see the whole table. Seems like a perfect time to read it! Not sure if I’m in the toddler or drunk friend category, but I’d love to find out!!!!! 😉 these keep getting better and better! Keep ’em coming!!!!

    • Admin 08/26/2014 at 5:31 am - Reply

      Dang! You can’t see the table at all… Even from the main page? If that’s the case then I’ll have to find another way to get it up. Thanks!

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