The other night, I was performing the ridiculous, adorable-yet-annoying nightly bedtime routine for Jumping Bean, who is about 3.5 years old. Over the course of 15 minutes, she managed to perform the following (in no particular order):
- Snuggle on me as if I was leaving the country the next day
- Scream obscenities at me and tell me she didn’t want me near her
- Plead and eventually cry for additional books OVER and over
- Clumsily slam her head into my nose while begging for books
- Ask me “WHY?” about 368 times. It honestly might have been more.
The next night, I attempted bedtime after 2 glasses of wine. The same bedtime antics held much more humor and were slightly enjoyable. I thought, “Wow. I apparently just need to drink every night to find this type of behavior acceptable, and even funny!”
I left the room that night and had a wine-induced epiphany:
My toddler behaves the same as that really drunk friend.
You know the one.
The one you adore, but when they get drunk, you start watching every sip they take and wish it wasn’t happening. You watch them turn from a rational, fun-loving friend into an emotionally unstable sociopath. Yup. We all have (or have had) that friend, My adorable toddler is now that friend… about 50% of our time together.
Since my epiphany, I’ve had some fun searching for similar viewpoints. CLEARLY this is a common thought, which made me feel much less terrible about my association. If you are curious, some great posts include:
I had to take my own spin on it, so here goes. Please feel free to add some more- compiling this helped me giggle about the ridiculousness, which is just what most of us need these days. Enjoy!!
(If you are reading this via email, please click here to read the rest!)
|With:||Both will:||Very Drunk Friend:||Your Toddler:|
|Displaying Emotions||Change emotional states in 30 second intervals, which will always include crying||Your friend will start a story about her boyfriend and how awesome he is, and will end the story in a sobbing mess because "he just doesn't really love" her or something ridiculous.||She will start a conversation that expresses how much she loves you, but will quickly switch sides to hate or hit you instead. The speed of the switch depends on what you said "no" to.|
|Questioning||Will ask the same thing… OVER and OVER and OVER||"Did I tell you about the total a-hole thing my boyfriend did yesterday??"||She will ask you for a popsicle 300 times, even after you tell her yes. Each time you answer will be the first time for her.|
|Volume of speech||Struggle with volume control||Might whisper or yell at you in completely inappropriate locations||Will randomly scream phrases at you out of anger, excitement, or confusion. EX: "POPSICLE!!!!"|
|Understanding concepts||Will struggle to unravel simple concepts with the use of "Why??"||Your friend will ask you repeatedly why she can't drive home or why you are being mean to her.||"Why are there cars on the road?" (Valid answer) "Why?" (Valid answer) " But WHY" This is usually delivered in a slightly whiney tone.|
|Physical Activity||Equally and disturbingly clumsy||Will fall at a moment's notice and pretend it didn't happen||Will slam into a wall, table, or chair, and look at you with a "Woah!"|
|Eating||Get food all over themselves||Will eat something totally disgusting at 2am and be oblivious that half of it is on her shirt.||Will be covered in food but extremely mad if you try to help them remove the food from their face or shirt.|
|Falling Asleep||Pass out in a crazy position||Might be on the floor, in the yard, or face down on a futon.||Could be half on/off the bed or on the bathroom floor.|
|Inanimate objects||Interact with them||Will most likely spend a portion of the night talking to a statue/car/building/rock.||Plays house, baby, or "Go to Time Out" with her dolls or stuffed animals.|
|Shoes||Be to bothered to wear them||Takes of the heels and walks on glass before putting them back on||Removes shoes at every moment and can never find them. EVER.|
|Misbehaving||Get a Time Out||You put your friend in a cab, car, corner, or bathroom stall to contain the mess that has developed.||Sits in a chair or corner to wail in pain after breaking rule after rule in the house.|
|Short Term Memory||Have none||She'll insist that guy from last week wasn't a total jerk and try to go home with him.||Will ask you over and over why there are so many cars on the road. Tomorrow… and the next day…|